Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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