last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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