I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
