mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
