Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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