Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
