He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
