When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
