A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
