meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
