If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
