Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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