bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
