I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
