What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
