Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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