Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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