Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
