that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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