you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
