At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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