Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i came on her dog
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
