I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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