the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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