he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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