Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
