this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
