Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
