he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
