made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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