So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
smell my finger.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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