My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
