the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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