did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
