You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
