booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
