I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
