I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
