So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
