Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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