Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
