Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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