Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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