Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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