So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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