tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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