Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
