when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
