im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
the liver wants what the liver wants
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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