they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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