Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
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he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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