so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
