good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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