you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
