Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
