why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
