that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Green mimosas i think yes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
