he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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